TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city historically noted for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be great. Huge!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Some of the greatest. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully from spot. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But yes, sure, let us have One more location where American Males can put on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although former negotiations failed underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: present Absolutely everyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest noted, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It can be that he need to end applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the venture, replied, "You understand, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Great individuals. Terrific tan. In any case, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head seen from House, a function staying promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following acquiring the building's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Confusing Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The ad marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is already attracting awareness from Worldwide buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to hold out to see a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as Structure. I gave it all a few. You're welcome."

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